


long way from home

by justanonlinelove



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:08:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28102956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justanonlinelove/pseuds/justanonlinelove
Summary: tw brief cutting mention
Comments: 4





	long way from home

**Author's Note:**

> tw brief cutting mention

okay

okay okay okay

i need to think things through! and fuck it might as well do that in front of the internet

welcome to my psycho thought process any contribution is appreciated

oh how i hate thinking

so! today has been a day

i certainly had a day yep the day did happen

i messed up big time

i have been clean for so long and i fucked it up 

i wish i just thought before actions?? i can't explain it like when i get like that when someone offers me stuff like that i don't think

like i literally don't think twice i know i joke about that a lot but i'm serious i just say yes and hit it i don't fucking think about it 

that's a thing i am going to bring up in therapy because it is really bad and i really want to stop i want to be clean i really do

i want to be clean

i am going to work on being clean i am going to work on being better because i want to be better

not even for myself?? really for my friends

i want to be better because my friends deserve a better friend

they deserve a clean friend

i am going to get clean for molly and britney and kiers and breezy and yvonne

i will not do substance abuse again any time soon

another thing i fucked up! a relationship that is quite important to me

not relationship as in romantic! relationship as in friendship as in two people who talk fairly often

and what sucks is that i have no good reason

like wow great i want to feel in control of my life that's such bullshit

oh i hate myself so i do self deprecating shit

that's not a good fucking excuse it's bullshit

it's true but it's still awful 

i need to stop dragging my whole life down just because i temporarily spiral

it's so stupid of me

apologizing again won't change anything but i am still so sorry

however!! i am still reminding myself that a mistake doesn't mean i am a mistake

i messed up but that does not mean i deserve to die

one mistake does not make me a bad person

i am not my mistakes and it is still hard to remember that

it has been so long since i have thought myself into physical pain but i had to get the medicine out again today

i wish i could stop doing that

you know what else is odd

i never genuinely believe someone cares about me until they leave

i don't know why

i spend months convincing myself that people don't genuinely care about me and then they leave and everything sort of falls into place and i feel like such an idiot idiot idiot

i did that with molly and brit for so long

but they did care

and now they're here

i miss jaxie

i could always tell her stuff like this

she never told me to shut up when i confessed there are some people i need to stop talking to becuase all they do is hurt me and god there are easier forms of self harm than this i wish i was just fucking normal and cut like everyone else

and she wouldn't judge me!! because she is a dog!! 

was

she was

now she's dead and i still don't think about her in the past tense

today britney told me that i always forgive people and that they barely forgive me

she wasn't wrong

i have forgiven so much maybe that is why i keep getting hurt

god i've had a shit day i'll probably delete this in the morning

sorry


End file.
